Good Enough

Hey little girl would you like some candy
Your momma said that it’s okay
The door is open come on outside
No I can’t come out today
It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who’s there that makes you so afraid
You’re shaken to the bone
And I don’t understand
You deserve so much more than this

So don’t tell me why
He’s never been good to you
Don’t tell me why
He’s never been there for you
Don’t you know that why
Is simply not good enough
So just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I’ll show you why
You’re so much more than good enough...



This song has both destroyed me... and picked me up in the past 10 years.


Thank you Jesus for showing me I was good enough to be Loved

A Weekly Routine

Every week I send a letter. Anonymously -- and with no return address.

Plain white envelope, typed address. A little stamp in the right hand corner.

I take it to the mailbox to have it sent on its way. Wondering when it will arrive at its destination.

Once it arrives, I don't know what's done with it. I don't know if it's loved, thrown away, forgotten, made fun of, or burned.

I know that it doesn't matter what happens to it - but that it's been sent.

Within the letter is another letter. A Letter in-fact that changes peoples lives daily.

Romans.

Upon printing the scripture, I plead with God....

Holy Spirit, plant Yourself in the letter. Open the eyes of the blind. Open the ears of the deaf. Make yourself known! Soften the steel of his heart. Let these letters show love and truth. Let them show the Gospel and the weight of You. Jesus catch him when he falls.

But Lord, if this is not your will for him, I'll be okay. I just want him to have the chance to see You like I do. God I plead with every cell inside me, Lord awake in him.



Until that day comes, I will continue my weekly routine.



Letter by Letter. Book by Book.


In Christ Alone.

Eat, Pray, Love

I read this book about 3 years ago now. I was not really at a 'sane' place in my life at that time.

Since the movie is coming out soon, I figured that I would re-read it because honestly, I don't remember what it was about at all.

So I picked it up about 2 days ago. (I haven't had much time to read in the past 2 days, so I was only on section 2) She (the Author) starts to tell about her marriage. She starts to tell about how horrible her marriage is and that she no longer wants to be apart of it. Being married, I still can't see how this makes any logical sense. She doesn't go into detail about the reasons for not wanting to be a part of the marriage anymore. Just that there were personal issues. Which I could assume most marriages face at some point or another. Nonetheless, she wants out.

She states that something changed in her that night on the floor. That she began to pray. To God. She then proceeds to state that she considers herself, "Culturally, not theologically" a Christian. UM WHAT? Then.... continues to state that she was born protestant and that she doesn't believe that Christ "the Good-teacher" is the only way to heaven. And that no one she talks/surrounds herself with says anything more strict than that. Then apologizes if anything she has said offends anybody and that they should just mind their business.

I then took the book to the kitchen. Found the trash can, and tossed it.

That is the reason why people do not take Christ and Salvation seriously.
They can leisurely say, oh yes, I'm a Christian and have no belief in the REASONS for Christianity in the first place.

I pray that one day God softens her heart and she sees that the Truth is that through Christ alone there is freedom. Until that time, I will not be reading any of her books.

Redeeming Love - A novel by Francine Rivers

So my sister Ashley gave me a book called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers for Christmas. I will tell you right now - it is long! At first glance I could not believe how thick it was. It was going to take some time to read - and I am not a slow reader.

I kept hearing about this book, from our pastor, from the staff at church. It was calling me. I sat down and opened the cover. Determined to just finish. Who knew that the book would change me. God has this really awesome way of showing Himself to me through books. Redeeming Love is about a little girl who grows into a woman. She is broken from her childhood and the story details the devastation and heartbreak this little child goes through. From a earthy father that never wanted her, to a mother who sent her away when her father was around (who had married and had legitimate children of his own)- to being sold into prostitution and ultimately manipulated and raped as a child by grown adult men. It sickens me to think that things like this happen (The story was set in the late 1800's during the gold rush of California) even today.

Angel, in the novel, goes from man to man, to duchess to owner... finding her way to a brothel in Sacramento. She is well taken care of... as taken care of as one could be in her circumstances. She uses her femininity to please men who pay loads of gold for her time. She thinks of herself nothing more than a woman who was made to please men - as she was taught most of her life.

A man named Michael Hosea comes to town in search for a wife. Walking along the street one day, he spots Angel and all of her beauty. God has led him to her; for a reason he doesn't quite know.

He meets Angel - she is utterly turned off by him. He wants not to be pleased but to only talk with her. Ask her about her life, plead with her to leave and to marry him. She continues to push him away, but inside is torn by the possibility of a life outside of the one she knows so well. Michael makes more trips to see her and to try to make her come with him. He finally chooses to be done. To leave her since she won't budge on her decision. She fights with the duchess who then sends in her bodyguard to make Angel understand her place. Shes left almost dead from blows and beatings when Michael steps in, pays for her and takes her to his home.

He spends the next 2 years teaching her and showing her all the ways to be a woman and to stand on her own two feet. She falls in love with him slowly and with much relent. She decides the best thing for him is to leave him. To go back to town and create a life on her own, using the money that the Dutchess owes her.

Now, I won't spoil the ending. It's worth the read. But I do want to add that the entire time I was reading this God was begging me to listen. To listen intently to the words He has been trying to speak to me. To see a life that He wants for me. He continually tries to stir in my affections I have never known before.

This book was a great way for God to show me life and the love that He has for me, and the love that is possible through Christ.

Thank you Francine Rivers for that incredible book. Thank you Jesus for continually trying to turn my blindness into sight.

Looking Forward by Glancing Back

I was looking at some of the previous posts I have written on my Blog. I wrote one almost a year ago about love and what television does to our minds and hearts. I wrote with such passion and conviction that it made me wonder where that very passion is now. I am no longer in love with that person. I don't regret the things that happened because I know he was one of the ones who ultimately led me to Jesus; but then again I wonder where my fire and love is directed to now and how I was able to walk through each day without knowing Christ. I'm actually surprised I was sober enough to make as much sense grammatically as I did. I don't write like I used to. I don't have the passion to get my thoughts and feelings out there for the world to read. I have the capability for I have always been able to find the words to write whatever I feel, just not the resources. I guess it makes sense in some crazy third dimension - the times that were hard and where I was as lost as I could be, I was passionate about FINDING my way. Even as I write now, the words do not come as easy at they once did. It was like writing my DCC paper... Although I know the path and journey and rocky climb it has been to find Christ, it was not easy to sit down and try to put those thoughts and feelings on paper AND to make sure it all fit together to be 'graded' so to say.

I feel that somewhere along the way, I displaced my passion and fire for hopelessness into something that was higher and deeper. Jesus is now my rock, my savior, my king. I was definitely lost and unable to find my way alone. I sought things and people and depended upon those that I believed at the time would get me to the next day. God gives us second, and third, and sometimes hundreds of chances to find Him. He is always there diverting us from the path that we are on to His glory and grace. If it were not for the fact that He loves me and wants good things for me, I would not be here today. There is no reason aside from Him, that I am here. I have not gotten lucky; It has NOTHING to do with luck. I don't wish, I pray. I pray for a hand to hold - His hand to guide me and walk with me through my life and get to the life that He has planned for me. His plan is huge. Bigger than any plan that I could ever imagine. He tells me what to do in the Word and it is up to me to decide if the things written are to be followed. For everything He has commanded should be followed. I sin, you sin, we all sin. That is the fault of men. From Adam we sinned and will continue. But God knew this and sent his son Jesus to be the One to take all of our sin from the past and present and destroy it. He died on the cross for my life, your life, and my enemies life. We are all equal with Him and once we believe in that, once we live the life of Christ, once we die and are born again as a believer, things start to change. You notice a difference in your attitude, your passion, your fire and your eyes. Your light has been turned on by God. You live your life according to Gods plan, not your own. You look to Him for comfort and love, not to the opposite sex or drugs and alcohol. You can do everything in Him, sober and celibate. These things don't mean to you what they used to. They are obsolete.

If you do not know Christ, take the first step. Walk out on the branch and see if you fall. Look for a local church and get plugged in. If you have kids, bring them to church! They are never too young to know the glory of God. You may save them some heartaches and troubles many go through if they come to know Christ. If you are on the path with God but you haven't taken the 'next step,' what are you waiting for? Get baptized, volunteer, and get in God's game!!

If you have been waiting for an opportunity to know Jesus and you think this is your time, pray this prayer and then start reading His word:

"Lord, I have been walking blindly in my life. I know the only way to see clear is to know you and to walk with you. I know You have bigger plans for me and cared for me even before I knew You. I no longer want to live my life without You. I know now that You sent Jesus, Your son, here for me, to save me and to take on all of my sins. Lord, I give You my all. Make me a new creation unto You. Lord I pray this all in your Son Jesus' name, Amen."


L

Dad

Dancing around the living room to Nat King Cole. Jitterbugging around you, being the center of your world. Watching you cook and learning the best ways to prepare things. Laughing at the stupidity of the world. Crying at the hallmark commercials that tore at both our hearts. The random pick-up vacations that were filled of memories. The cars, the teaching of cars in every aspect... The good memories that I will never forget.....
You were supposed to be my Knight-in-shining-Armour. You were supposed to protect me from the evils of the world and teach me how to be the best person I could. I put you on a pedestal so high that none could ever come close to you. The guys I dated had huge shoes to fill. They never compared to the person that I thought you were. You took care of us when we needed it. You taught us to never be a quitter - no matter how hard it might have been. You taught me to speak my mind regardless of the situation because hiding my feelings would only lead to let down. You taught me to walk with my head held high - for no one could say anything or do anything to bring me down. On the contrary, you taught me to hide my feelings and confusion from the world. You helped build the wall around my heart and my head that keeps anyone and everyone away from seeing the real me. Its a 'hardass' shell that I can form. Sometimes I wish that it never existed. That I could be naive and believe everything that everyone's ever told me - unfortunately that is so far from the truth. You were supposed to be my rock. You were supposed to make sure that the world was ready for me, and vice versa. You were supposed to open my eyes to reality and the good the world can bring. You were supposed to be perfect.

..... You were a lie. Everything you said, everything you did was the farthest thing from the truth. I don't know how you can wake up every morning and be ok with your life. I don't see how you can live your life... and smile. You lost the two most important people in your life - because you shut us out. You pretended to be this perfect image of a father - yet you chose to kick us out of your life in the end. Your mistakes and misconceptions of life have been thrown in our laps. We have had to deal with the hell you have made for our lives for so many years now.

It's days like today that I want you to be that person. I want you to be the PERFECT dad that I dreamed of. The dad that I thought you were once upon a time.

You let me down. You lost all of my respect - and you will never have the chance to earn it back.

You will not walk me down the aisle at my wedding; I can't wait for the day that I throw your last name away for never to be called by it again.

You will never see your grandkids - they will not know you exist.

Some people are not given the option of being taken away from their children. God takes them away without a reason as to why.

You were given the chance to spend a life time with your children - and you chose to walk out entirely, leaving us to fend for ourselves.

You left me with a broken heart and a missing piece. A void that will never be filled for as long as I live.

I can forgive you and I have. An apology is not neccessary or warranted in this case. I will never forget the things you said and did that has made life the way it is.

You're missing out on the best years of my life - and I feel sorry for you.

You ruined the only things that meant something to you... and you will never get that back.




I loved you more than any person could love another

and you let me down.

You broke me; my heart.


How does it feel??

Faker Faker Belly-Acher

How does he do it? How does he sit in his chair at night, before he falls asleep and be completely content with his life? His beliefs and his actions completely contradict one another and I am utterly aghast at the thought of being untrue to oneself.

Based off of what I read today - This is my synopsis.

Trust is the biggest issue of life. Can you and will you trust those around you? When someone goes out on a limb and tells you things that they may not be necessarily OK with telling anyone else - THAT MEANS THEY TRUST YOU. That's a big step for any person - especially one that has issues with trust due to past discrepancies.

In 50 years, when you are sitting all alone in the confines of a senior center, ALONE, you will look back at your life. Will you look back and smile? or will you look back with regrets? If you pass up every opportunity to pursue something with someone just because you happen to be in a different place - where your actions do not have to be accounted for - where is the lifelong fulfillment and satisfaction in that scenario? You meet someone, you hit it off…things progress. You go out of town - you think a few little thoughts about that person at home - and then you meet someone else amidst the adventure who happens to strike your fancy - but eventually you have to leave and return home. It's not reality to strike up something with someone that you might and probably will not ever see again.

In order to be fully completely happy with another person you have to be 100135781395% happy with yourself in every aspect of your life. Life is what YOU make it. Not how other people make you. Agreed - Kisses hugs moments all of those are completely and totally necessary to happiness.

When you're blinded by the life that you lead - that when the seas can split. You tend to look over the thing that are right in front of you. Why?? I haven't the faintest idea. But you do it. You know you do it because you told me so. Everything happens for a reason. People are brought into your life for a reason - its up to you to figure out WHY.

WE don't want to tell you who we've kissed, loved, held.. because that's our past. And frankly I don't want to hear about yours. I don't care who you have been with. I'm not them. Our past is simply that. The past. You can't change it, so why dwell on it?? Its not there daily to remind us that we were stupid in our past. All it does it bring up the old memories - the ones of hurt and betrayal and it ruins the future for that person.

These things are ones you write about. You tell of times of virtue and happiness, yet you think too deeply of the lie that succumbs your mind. What you say and how you act are two completely different things.

Here's an idea - Write another book. Write it for you. Not to publish but to review. (Ha it rhymes!) Look at your life in the long run. Look at the things you put yourself through. Watch that movie about love.. and the love you want. But remember what I said - Life is only what you make of it. You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it. One day when it all sinks it... you'll get it. It will be the light breaking above you example of triumph. You deserve it - you really do. But until you find the REAL you.. and you act on what you believe there will be no happiness greater than what you find today.

I wish you luck...