Dad

Dancing around the living room to Nat King Cole. Jitterbugging around you, being the center of your world. Watching you cook and learning the best ways to prepare things. Laughing at the stupidity of the world. Crying at the hallmark commercials that tore at both our hearts. The random pick-up vacations that were filled of memories. The cars, the teaching of cars in every aspect... The good memories that I will never forget.....
You were supposed to be my Knight-in-shining-Armour. You were supposed to protect me from the evils of the world and teach me how to be the best person I could. I put you on a pedestal so high that none could ever come close to you. The guys I dated had huge shoes to fill. They never compared to the person that I thought you were. You took care of us when we needed it. You taught us to never be a quitter - no matter how hard it might have been. You taught me to speak my mind regardless of the situation because hiding my feelings would only lead to let down. You taught me to walk with my head held high - for no one could say anything or do anything to bring me down. On the contrary, you taught me to hide my feelings and confusion from the world. You helped build the wall around my heart and my head that keeps anyone and everyone away from seeing the real me. Its a 'hardass' shell that I can form. Sometimes I wish that it never existed. That I could be naive and believe everything that everyone's ever told me - unfortunately that is so far from the truth. You were supposed to be my rock. You were supposed to make sure that the world was ready for me, and vice versa. You were supposed to open my eyes to reality and the good the world can bring. You were supposed to be perfect.

..... You were a lie. Everything you said, everything you did was the farthest thing from the truth. I don't know how you can wake up every morning and be ok with your life. I don't see how you can live your life... and smile. You lost the two most important people in your life - because you shut us out. You pretended to be this perfect image of a father - yet you chose to kick us out of your life in the end. Your mistakes and misconceptions of life have been thrown in our laps. We have had to deal with the hell you have made for our lives for so many years now.

It's days like today that I want you to be that person. I want you to be the PERFECT dad that I dreamed of. The dad that I thought you were once upon a time.

You let me down. You lost all of my respect - and you will never have the chance to earn it back.

You will not walk me down the aisle at my wedding; I can't wait for the day that I throw your last name away for never to be called by it again.

You will never see your grandkids - they will not know you exist.

Some people are not given the option of being taken away from their children. God takes them away without a reason as to why.

You were given the chance to spend a life time with your children - and you chose to walk out entirely, leaving us to fend for ourselves.

You left me with a broken heart and a missing piece. A void that will never be filled for as long as I live.

I can forgive you and I have. An apology is not neccessary or warranted in this case. I will never forget the things you said and did that has made life the way it is.

You're missing out on the best years of my life - and I feel sorry for you.

You ruined the only things that meant something to you... and you will never get that back.




I loved you more than any person could love another

and you let me down.

You broke me; my heart.


How does it feel??

Faker Faker Belly-Acher

How does he do it? How does he sit in his chair at night, before he falls asleep and be completely content with his life? His beliefs and his actions completely contradict one another and I am utterly aghast at the thought of being untrue to oneself.

Based off of what I read today - This is my synopsis.

Trust is the biggest issue of life. Can you and will you trust those around you? When someone goes out on a limb and tells you things that they may not be necessarily OK with telling anyone else - THAT MEANS THEY TRUST YOU. That's a big step for any person - especially one that has issues with trust due to past discrepancies.

In 50 years, when you are sitting all alone in the confines of a senior center, ALONE, you will look back at your life. Will you look back and smile? or will you look back with regrets? If you pass up every opportunity to pursue something with someone just because you happen to be in a different place - where your actions do not have to be accounted for - where is the lifelong fulfillment and satisfaction in that scenario? You meet someone, you hit it off…things progress. You go out of town - you think a few little thoughts about that person at home - and then you meet someone else amidst the adventure who happens to strike your fancy - but eventually you have to leave and return home. It's not reality to strike up something with someone that you might and probably will not ever see again.

In order to be fully completely happy with another person you have to be 100135781395% happy with yourself in every aspect of your life. Life is what YOU make it. Not how other people make you. Agreed - Kisses hugs moments all of those are completely and totally necessary to happiness.

When you're blinded by the life that you lead - that when the seas can split. You tend to look over the thing that are right in front of you. Why?? I haven't the faintest idea. But you do it. You know you do it because you told me so. Everything happens for a reason. People are brought into your life for a reason - its up to you to figure out WHY.

WE don't want to tell you who we've kissed, loved, held.. because that's our past. And frankly I don't want to hear about yours. I don't care who you have been with. I'm not them. Our past is simply that. The past. You can't change it, so why dwell on it?? Its not there daily to remind us that we were stupid in our past. All it does it bring up the old memories - the ones of hurt and betrayal and it ruins the future for that person.

These things are ones you write about. You tell of times of virtue and happiness, yet you think too deeply of the lie that succumbs your mind. What you say and how you act are two completely different things.

Here's an idea - Write another book. Write it for you. Not to publish but to review. (Ha it rhymes!) Look at your life in the long run. Look at the things you put yourself through. Watch that movie about love.. and the love you want. But remember what I said - Life is only what you make of it. You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it. One day when it all sinks it... you'll get it. It will be the light breaking above you example of triumph. You deserve it - you really do. But until you find the REAL you.. and you act on what you believe there will be no happiness greater than what you find today.

I wish you luck...

Superhero or Man?

The definition of a hero - a man distinguished by exceptional courage and nobility and strength
The definition of a superhero - noted for feats of courage and nobility, who usually possesses abilities beyond those of normal human beings.

In my opinion - the only differences between the two are the abilities and the word super. Either way it is characterized as someone with exceptional courage, nobility and strength.

Webster did not clarify in which realm of strength that this 'hero' must posses. Strength of character, mind, physical and emotional; all of which lead to an ability to withstand certain obstacles in which strength in some way shape or form is necessary.

Does putting on the red cape and skin tight spandex make one more susceptible to the likings of those in need? I would have to disagree. Spending my life in awe of that definition of superheroes only makes those around me seem less 'super.'

I do have those such heroes in my life. Those with brute strength of mind and body, intelligence beyond the average and the courage to say whatever it may be - regardless of the concerns of others around them.

Superman - the man of steel. Lives his double life to the best of his abilities. Clark Kent by day, Superman by night. He falls in love with such Lois Lane, knowing that nothing could ever become of the infatuation. His duties to the world surpass his feelings for the one woman who was able to steal his heart. He tries to put all of the feelings away -hidden from himself and those around him. She could never know the other side of his life, for the entire world would be in jeopardy. He falls in love each time he sees her (As Clark and as Superman); but honestly can you blame the guy? The one woman in the entire world that he has his eyes set on, his heart set on, will never be his. - How does a person deal with such dilemmas? How do you set your heart apart from your duties? Are work and commitments more important than sharing the time with those that mean the most to you?

What kind of brute strength of the heart must a superhero have in order to set aside his/her own feelings and cries for love for the fate of the human race - which might I add, seems to be diminishing with all of the propaganda of today's politics.

But I digress....

I may sit here and contradict myself, however, one must look at all of the possibilities that surround us. There are heroes amongst all of us. Those who have suffered the loss of love and have gained a life fully committed to being a better of themselves. Those who have seen the world come crashing down in front of them for years, and wake up every day with a smile, without ever losing faith that something better will be around the next turn.

It's those that sit idly by, waiting for the world to just hand them a great life. This such scenario is a myth in its own. You only get from your life what you put into it. If you choose to sit by and watch all of the happy people splash around in the lake of life - are you going to take the chances given to you to swing off of that rope and take a leap? Or are you going to continue to saunter in your own shadow in hopes of something better?

Take a stand. Brush off the past, create the hero inside of you that you have always known was there but were too ashamed to let out.


Be that one person that someone else can depend upon and never let them down. Everyone deserves to have a hero. Even the hero.



"It's not easy to be me..... "
Superman - Five for Fighting

The Influence of You

There is little that you can say or do that doesn't get taken into the thoughts of another.

I opened a fortune cookie last night and the timing of it could not be more perfect. It said "You are never selfish with your help or your advice." Now. The only negative aspect of that could be if the help/advice is not wanted.

You never know what kind of an impact you could have on another person's life.

When life gets you down, you've got to have friends and people who care about you there to reiterate your importance in this life.

Never take the little things for granted -when they are gone it is what you will miss the most.

end rant :)

TV and Reality

The idea of television entering your mind as reality is at times quite controversial. I watch these shows weekly, hoping and praying that a certain couple ends up together or a person changes his ways and becomes a gentleman - the entire time, I've come to realize, that deep down I want those things for myself. Its not about living vicariously through the show or people on it, its more of using their scenarios to realize what is and what isn't what you want in life.

Love - which is the basis of every show in some way shape or form. Everybody wants to fall in love and have that one person for the rest of their life. It's a subject that can attract every human being young and old. We see it daily; the couples on the street corner - bickering of their miserable days, comparing heart wrenching tales of the corporate world - always believing their story was worse. You see the love-ill newlyweds without a care in the world, in each others arms with no regard to tomorrow's agenda. How is it that they can put all of their feelings to the world aside and walk with a complete and honest smile every day? Some say it's easy. I happen to disagree. I'm sure its the grudges I claim I let go of - we all have them somewhere, some are just a lot closer to the surface than we realize. Love is hard. It's heart-breaking, it's life changing and it is the biggest lesson I've ever learned. It seems to simple - yet we make it a fascet in our lives. Magazines about celebrity love interests, scandals of the unfaithful, and the joys of a family - Love is always around us.

I wake up each day and roll over to superman - the stuffed version of course. I reminesce my childhood and the days when my prince charming would come whisk me away to neverland. I roll over hoping he's there. I wish for just one second that everything was the way it should be. I wish that I could have gotten past those insecurities and let him be that man. I hope for his touch each morning, telling me I'm beautiful when I know how terrible I look - it was deeper beauty. It was the beauty that he saw inside of me that I didn't accept. It's what kept me holding on for as long as I did. It was his ability to make me smile when I didn't think it was at all possible. It was the little things he said and did that made me feel safe - a feeling that I have never felt previously. In his arms - I was invincible. The main point here is the word Was. It is past tense - as in not here now. It's not that I let it slip away - it's that I pushed it away. I held onto my pride, my glory and my heart (which I learned in the end was the biggest mistake). I pushed him and everyone else away because that was easy. Protecting myself was the only way I knew how to get by. You can't live your life hiding behind the things that frighten or scare you. You have to take the things you are most terrified of and confront them. Face your demons or you will lose someone that meant the world to you at one time or another.

I've never been one for taking advice - I don't even listen to my own. I believe in everything I say, but it's a lot easier to forget it happened than worry about preventing it in the future. The only downfall is realizing that you continue to live those patterns of habit and surround yourself around people that make life easier on you. God never promised it would be easy - but He did promise it would be worth it, and it is.

"...to those lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love."